HELPLESS

A feeling that crossed my way so many times it’s like a weekly visit from an old friend.
Or from somebody you know very well, but still don’t like very much.

I gave up two of my „fan“pages on facebook because of this, also with that my personal account. One page with 1.500 people ‚liking‘ it, the new one with 450 people as so called „fans“. Likes don’t make you a better person, likes don’t necessarily mean that you’re better at what you do than I am. Likes don’t pay you. Likes don’t show your character.

I’m writing in English because I feel more ‚at home‘ this way, more cozy, more like I can say things I couldn’t say when writing in German. Doesn’t really matter, I know. But feels better. And feeling good about what you do is the most important thing, isn’t it? I don’t feel welcome in German groups about photography and all that comes with it. I don’t feel a single streak of cooperativeness, well, at first maybe, but when it comes to planning a photoshoot together, I very quickly feel the hint of arrogance, and the „I’m better than you“ attitude from the other person. That’s nothing to feel good about. You can argue that I just met the wrong crowd in the past. But I won’t try it out for another year, it’s been too long for my personal liking. I’m also not someone with a big bag of self-esteem, so a thing like that really gets to me and at this point, thankfully my tiny bag of self-worth starts ringing a bell in my head. „Get out of there!“

Facebook itself isn’t the problem. It’s people.

I understand, everyone has something inside them called prejudice. I get that. I’m guilty of it myself, I cancelled photoshoots with other photographers because I felt this bad attitude. But maybe I was wrong and my well known feeling wasn’t right that time.
On the other hand, unfortunately I have to say that my gut instinct was hardly ever wrong.
Just a few hours ago it verified again.

It just was as clear as glass. I knew it was coming.

And this time I broke down. I have to admit that I was crying and again, I didn’t know what to do. Completely helpless. I got a message from a model I haven’t met in person yet, cancelling our upcoming photoshoot, while yesterday I already knew it was going to happen. I even wrote to someone with whom I had talked about this photoshoot and how excited I was about it! And I also told this person that I sadly had the feeling that it wouldn’t work out as we had planned it.
Well, again I was right. And I have no clue why.

Please let my highlight a few things now.
Don’t talk bad about people you don’t even know!
Don’t let somebody else make a decision for you about weather you should „like“ a person or you shouldn’t! Don’t let somebody paint a bad picture for you of a person you don’t – even – know!

And also a very important note to oneself should be that: if we worry about our own problems first, we surely will have no more time to talk or think about others so badly!

Will this go on until I die? The only thing I’d like to do is earn a living with photography. I’d like to try out everything possible, I’d really love to meet creative people without having this bad feeling inside me! I’d love people who don’t know me yet to write me a message so we can meet up in person and work on a great photoshoot! A few months back I even thought I had something called a ’social phobia‘. But this can’t be it. I’d love to have a big group of people in my life who love creating the most different things, to act in concert!

Will this kind of ‚kindergarten hate slattering‘ really go on until death do us part? You have no idea about how many people really do believe the things you tell them about other people, and so you’re putting another artist in a very bad light, which can damage a lot more than you think! People sadly tend to be lazy and just absorb stuff they hear without using their own brain. Here, it’s not about „school tattling“ anymore, it’s about work and earning a living! Bashing someones reputation!

But again, what now? I’m helpless. If again my gut instinct is right, than somebody has fun talking to people who don’t know me yet. He or she has fun telling lies and / or overdramatise things. Right now, I could write down a list with names of people who I think would dare to do such a thing. People I have met, people who failed me with their unreliability more than I can count on my hands. It’s too many and there’s nothing I can do about it.

That’s it with todays‘ blogpost.
Good night friends, or, to whom it may concern.

– Woodmouse

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